I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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