pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
