He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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