Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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