tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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