She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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