It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
and you fell through a lawn chair
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
