i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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