i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize