And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
