she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize