I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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