Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize