seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
