I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
