You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
