OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Randomize
