My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
