he shaved USA in his pubs
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
