They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
not ubering you a puppy
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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