My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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