Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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