my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
