we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Randomize