Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
