I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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