I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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