Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
