Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
