I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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