i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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