Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize