Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
