she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
PANTIES FOUND
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