i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
You need Xanax blowdarts
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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