dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Randomize
