I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
