I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
