Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Is this like a preordered booty call?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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