I wanna bring you to show and tell
They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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