cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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