I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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