its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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