when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
MIDGETS
????
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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