i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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