No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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