Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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