How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
