you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
