Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
