Pants 0. Shit 1.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Sober January is a disaster.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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