well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
