Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize