i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
