I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
