Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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