singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize